Hi, my lovely readers!
I'm over at Belle's Book Bag Today--an awesome blog with lots of the hottest new romance novel reviews and new releases.
Check it out HERE.
I shared how you all have changed my life as an author, and how readers influenced the Billionaire's Beck and Call Series.
PLUS you can enter the Insatiable Reads Summer Tour Sweepstakes and have a chance to win fabulous prizes, including free books, and best of all, a Kindle Fire!
So what are you waiting for??
Enjoy, and Happy Independence Day Eve!
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Meet Jackson Pierce: Billionaire Bad Boy Turned Politician...
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| Feel free to fantasize as you will, but here's a jumping off point... |
In Tied to Him: The Billionaire's Beck and Call, Book Three, we meet a new, oh-so-sexy billionaire: former bad boy turned politician, Jackson Pierce.
Where Chase Drake in The Billionaire's Beck and Call, Book One is intimidating, cool, and difficult to those around him, Jackson is outwardly very friendly and charming.
And unlike his younger brother, Maxwell, who we met in Bound to Him: The Billionaire's Beck and Call, Book Two, whose fiery, impulsive nature got him into trouble, Jackson is all about using his head.
But despite seeming like he's got it all together... Jackson Pierce is a man with a secret.
Because when he lets his mask fall, what lies beneath would ruin his golden boy act for good. He's more than wild, he's downright feral, a predator whose aggressive lovemaking is matched only by the filth that comes out of his mouth in the heat of passion.
Now that the media's caught wind of his past as a dominant in a BDSM club, he's only got one thing on his mind--how can he hide his sexual nature, the part of himself that shames and alarms him, before his political aspirations are ruined?
Because on top of it all, Jackson Pierce cares about the community--about doing lasting good. If he's not elected, school programs will be cut and kids will go hungry.
When his campaign manager suggests a marriage of convenience to a local charity worker to clean up his image, he jumps at the chance.
But what Jackson Pierce doesn't know is that some things are out of his control... especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
Here's a special sneak preview showing off Jackson's wild side, from Tied to Him:
“It’s effortless with you,” he said. He looked past
me, his eyes distant. “With the women I’ve seen, it was always… different.
Harder.”
“Even with the women at the club?”
He stiffened beside me, and immediately I
regretted my words. After all, this was what he was desperately trying to cover
up. His past. His scandalous affairs and unusual appetites.
“I’m sorry, Jackson. Forget I asked.”
He looked at me for a long while, his eyes thoughtful.
“I think that’s why I went to the club in the
first place. With the women there, it was uncomplicated. No emotion, no
attachments, no dates or detail work. It was simple.”
I looked down at our hands, still entwined, not
knowing how to respond.
“Seems you do well with fake girlfriends,” I
finally said.
I laughed nervously.
“That’s different. You’re different.”
“It’s just the other side of the same coin, isn’t
it? Passion without a relationship, or a relationship without passion…”
What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just shut
up already?
Jackson looked at me again, his brow furrowed.
“I wanted to make you happy tonight.”
“I…”
“Don’t you see, Rose?”
His voice was low and dangerous. He leaned forward
and ran his thumb over my cheek, his touch electric.
“I didn’t have to. I know what this is, but I needed to make you happy tonight.”
He was so close now, I worried he could hear the
frantic beating of my heart.
“What are you doing to me?”
His hand moved down to my neck, his fingers
trailing down my skin. I whimpered, looking into those dark eyes of his, his
words echoing my own thoughts. What were we doing? What was this attraction
that was so hard to resist, despite our best intentions?
His fingers wrapped in my hair, and he tilted my
head back roughly. I gasped.
“What are you fucking doing to me?”
His voice was rough, raw, his eyes glinting like a
predator’s. Before I could say anything, his lips were on my neck, his tongue
tasting me, making my whole body quake. He held me captive, but I didn’t want
to escape. When his hand snuck up my thigh beneath the hem of my dress, I
groaned, my body already wet for him.
My restraint was gone, left back on the dance
floor of the bar, and I reached for him, running my hands up his chest, loving
the feel of his hard muscles beneath my fingers.
He growled in my ear.
“I want you, Rose.”
I whimpered as his hand crept higher. His fingers
brushed my panties, making me squirm against the leather upholstery. His mouth
met mine, his teeth rasping over my lips. He bit down, and I moaned.
He rubbed me, teasing me through the thin cotton
covering my sex, rubbing my folds in a way that made me pant as he held me
fast, his hand still fisted in my hair. I needed to touch him back, to please
him. I reached down and felt him, hard as steel beneath his slacks. His
erection twitched against me, and he exhaled.
The car rolled to a stop. Jackson sat back,
breathing hard, and adjusted himself just as we heard the driver’s door slam
shut. I patted my hair down and jerked down on the hem of my skirt. My door
opened, and the driver smiled at us. His eyes landed on the ring, and his face
lit up.
“Are congratulations in order, Mr. Pierce?”
“Yes, Matthew. You’re looking at my gorgeous
fiancĂ©e.”
“Well done, both of you,” he said, helping me out
of the car, then wringing my hand. “What wonderful news.”
Mr. Pierce shut the door behind him, and took my
arm.
“Thank you very much, but if you’ll excuse us…”
“Of course, Sir! Have a good rest of your night.”
The driver gave us a wink and a grin before
Jackson rushed me into the house, breezing past the butler with a curt “Good
evening,” and ushering me up the stairs like we were escaping a fire.
At the landing, he scooped me up, and I shrieked
as he threw me over his shoulder. Once in the master suite, he slammed the door
and pressed my back against it, pinning me with his arms. The look on his face,
bald, animal lust, was almost frightening, especially compared to his usual,
public calm.
“Tell me you want this.”
I panted, my whole body a live wire, thrumming in
anticipation over giving myself to him. Of giving up control, just one more
time, and letting myself submit. To him, to my own desire… Just for one more night
before sanity set in once more.
“Yes,” I breathed.
That was all it took.
Stay tuned this week for more exciting sneak peaks, giveaways, and so much more!
Tell me: Do you think men with a dark side are sexier? Why or what not?
Monday, July 1, 2013
New Release: TIED TO HIM: THE BILLIONAIRE'S BECK AND CALL, BOOK THREE is live!
I'm ecstatic to announce, that TIED TO HIM: THE BILLIONAIRE'S BECK AND CALL, BOOK THREE is now live in the following stores:
Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Kobo
This is the complete novel all in one package, thanks to YOU, my smart, sexy readers, telling me how you wanted it. You spoke, and I listened. It's a beautiful thing!
The Description:
Jackson Pierce is a man with a secret...
Becoming Governor isn't in the cards for billionaire and former D.A. Jackson Pierce unless he can squelch the unsavory rumors flying around. He's not ashamed of his bad boy past being a dominant at a BDSM club, but he knows the revelation could ruin his political career before it even begins.
He's skeptical of his campaign advisor's idea--find a do-gooder wife to give him a more respectable image--until he meets Rose Turner, a former foster kid working in a local community center. Compassionate, feisty and passionate about helping troubled youth, she's perfect for his needs. But as they get to know one another, his feelings for her grow all too real.
Rose Turner can't take another heartbreak, not after being abandoned by everyone she ever loved. When she accepts Jackson's proposal, she vows to keep her distance, but the more she gets to know him, the more she wants to let him in. But trust doesn't come easy--if he wants it, he'll have to earn it.
As the two draw closer, threats roll in: if Jackson doesn't flip on education reform, a blackmailer will expose the fake marriage, ruining his career and tarnishing Rose's reputation. But if he gives in, funding for the community center will be cut, and Rose's kids will lose it all. With everything on the line, he must make an impossible decision as the clock runs down.
What's a man of principle to do when everything he believes in falls apart?
And a sizzling excerpt, just for you!
Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Kobo
This is the complete novel all in one package, thanks to YOU, my smart, sexy readers, telling me how you wanted it. You spoke, and I listened. It's a beautiful thing!
The Description:
Jackson Pierce is a man with a secret...
Becoming Governor isn't in the cards for billionaire and former D.A. Jackson Pierce unless he can squelch the unsavory rumors flying around. He's not ashamed of his bad boy past being a dominant at a BDSM club, but he knows the revelation could ruin his political career before it even begins.
He's skeptical of his campaign advisor's idea--find a do-gooder wife to give him a more respectable image--until he meets Rose Turner, a former foster kid working in a local community center. Compassionate, feisty and passionate about helping troubled youth, she's perfect for his needs. But as they get to know one another, his feelings for her grow all too real.
Rose Turner can't take another heartbreak, not after being abandoned by everyone she ever loved. When she accepts Jackson's proposal, she vows to keep her distance, but the more she gets to know him, the more she wants to let him in. But trust doesn't come easy--if he wants it, he'll have to earn it.
As the two draw closer, threats roll in: if Jackson doesn't flip on education reform, a blackmailer will expose the fake marriage, ruining his career and tarnishing Rose's reputation. But if he gives in, funding for the community center will be cut, and Rose's kids will lose it all. With everything on the line, he must make an impossible decision as the clock runs down.
What's a man of principle to do when everything he believes in falls apart?
And a sizzling excerpt, just for you!
When he kissed me, my world stopped turning. Time
froze, and I lost myself, my worry, my sorrow, my doubt running off me like
rainwater as his lips met mine, his hands wrapping in my hair, pulling me to
him. He tasted like sweet wine, his mouth soft and hot and urgent, his chin
dusted with new stubble, rough and masculine against my skin.
I parted my lips, my heart thudding in my chest,
my mind a blank, all of my sadness flying away as quickly as it came, memories
fleeting against the strength of this moment. Against the strength of his arms,
holding me tight.
Popcorn tumbled to the floor as we came together,
our bodies pressing close as he tugged me onto his lap, the throw pillow
falling off to the side. I wrapped my arms around his neck, breathless, feeling
like I was drowning in him, but refusing to come up for air. I dug my fingers
into his short hair, nails scraping his scalp, loving the way our hearts beat
together, our breathing now thick. Heavy.
He groaned and ran his tongue over my bottom lip,
making me shiver.
I felt his arousal beneath me and gasped. A voice
deep inside my mind whispered This is
wrong! You’re going to get hurt, Rose! but I couldn’t stop the energy
between us. And what’s more, I didn’t want to. I was swept away on a current of
impulsivity, of lust and heat. And something more…
Jackson was like me.
He understood what so many couldn’t. From the look
on his face, I knew what he’d implied, but didn’t have to say. He felt like as
much of an orphan as I was. Even though he had everything money could buy, he
didn’t have what he wanted most. Someone who loved him unconditionally.
Pain and pleasure came together as we shared a
breath, our kisses now desperate and rough. His teeth scraped my lip, and it
was my turn to join my tongue with his, to taste him, to let myself explore
him, his scent filling my nostrils, the feel of his mouth on mine more
intoxicating than any wine.
He pressed me back onto the cushions and moved
over me, his lips on my neck now, hot and wet, making me moan with each touch,
each delicious sensation. He pressed his body between my thighs, his stiffness rubbing
against me now, the cotton and silk between us feeling like nothing as his heat
covered me. I wriggled beneath him, grinding against him, sighing wantonly as my
core ached, pulsing with need, tingling with pleasure, the friction making me wild
for him.
I wanted more.
I tugged on the bottom of his t-shirt, and he sat
up, yanking it up over his head. He paused for a moment, panting, his dark eyes
animalistic, hungry, almost frightening in the dim light. I’d never seen him
like this, so out of control, and the sight of his gorgeous, muscular body, tanned
and fit, made me want to give up my control as well. To release my fear and
doubt and give myself fully to this moment with him.
Just for one night. Just for one night, I would do
the wrong thing without second guessing myself. Without guilt. Without worry
about what the future may hold.
Because it felt so damn right, I didn’t think I
could stop if I wanted to.
Happy reading, and please remember that reviews are a great help to independent authors like me, so don't be shy! Reader feedback is as good as gold to me, as well as to readers looking for that next new book to check out.
Thanks for being my fabulous fans! I couldn't do it without you!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Mark Your Calendars! TIED TO HIM: THE BILLIONAIRE'S BECK AND CALL, BOOK 3 Comes Out July 1st!
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| You know you want it. And Delilah's the one to give it to ya! |
First, we have a historic supreme court ruling making it possible for people to marry who they love in so many great states, and now, I have exciting news to share!
The wait is almost over!
Tied to Him: The Billionaire's Beck and Call, Book Three comes out JULY 1st!
But that's not all!
I'm taking part in an exciting, titillating, REWARDING Summer fun-fest called The Insatiable Reads Book Tour!
27 of the HOTTEST authors, including yours truly, will be hopping all over the net, giving away delicious prizes, books, and all kinds of goodies as well as teasing you with smoking excerpts of this summer's most sizzling new romance!
We're even giving away a KINDLE FIRE to one lucky reader! (Get it... cause we're hot, Summer's hot... it's a whole thing, and I LOVE IT!)
So stay tuned for details this week of when, where, and how YOU can win!
In the meantime, here's a little teaser of what's to come July 1st from Tied to Him: The Billionaire's Beck and Call, Book Three:
The proposal that started it all...
She turned to me and raised an eyebrow, but I
thought I saw the hint of a smile in her eyes.
There it is.
Pride in what she does. She knows she’s good.
“These kids will eat anything,” she said. “They’re
teenagers.”
“Yeah, but kids are picky. They might eat it
because they have to, but from the looks on their faces tonight, your food is
something special. You go all out.”
She did smile, then, a softness coming over her
making her look delicate and feminine, despite the firm muscles I could see on
her arms and the tall, fit build of her body. She was used to working hard, and
it showed.
Beautiful,
I thought. She really is different than
other women I’ve met. There’s something about her I can’t quite put my finger
on…
“Like I said earlier, I get to experiment on them
is all. I find a new recipe, or I throw some stuff together at home, and I want
to share it. They get enough of the regular cafeteria stuff like sandwiches and
chicken nuggets, so I figure why not, right? Like Paul Prudhomme said, ‘You
don’t need a silver fork to eat good food.’ Oh…”
She stopped short, looking at me with wide eyes.
“I didn’t mean-“
“It’s okay,” I said. I laughed at the look on her
face. “I don’t think being a billionaire is a protected class. Besides, I’m not
offended in the least.”
She looked down at her sneakers and let out a
nervous laugh, then yanked her bandana down around her neck and ran her fingers
roughly through her hair.
“I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. Honestly…
I’ve never been around… someone like you before.”
She looked up at me, her short hair wild and
rough, and chewed her lip in a way that made my cock stir in my pants.
Whoa, there…
Where did that come from?
“You make me nervous,” she said.
I cleared my throat and tugged my apron strings a
little looser.
“Just because I’m running for office doesn’t mean
I’m not a regular guy.”
She crossed her arms and smirked at me now, one
hip thrust sideways in a way that displayed exactly what she thought of that
statement.
“Mm hmm. You’re just a regular ol’ billionaire who
just happened to have a star career as a D.A. and are now trying to run my
state. No biggie, right? Just one of the guys.”
“Exactly,” I said.
I chuckled at the look on her face. She was
something else, indeed.
“Seriously, though, Rose… I know you can cook, and
I see how much you love helping here, but how do you afford it? Is that rude to
ask?”
She straightened up and stared at me, her jaw
clenching for the space of a heartbeat.
“I have a job. This place is important, so I make
it happen, okay? I’m good… We’re good.”
I licked my bottom lip, and noticed her eyes flick
down to my mouth, then back up again, meeting my gaze.
“I’m not saying you’re not making it happen. I’m
just wondering… Would you be interested in another job? A much, much, better paying one than your
current employment?”
“How do you know it’s better paying? You don’t
even know what I do.”
She was getting angry, and I could tell she was starting
to view me as an outsider again. An intruder in her world. I had to talk fast,
or I wouldn’t have a chance to convince her of what I needed.
“How does five million dollars for a year of work
sound?”
She raised a finger, her mouth already forming an
argument, when she froze, mid-motion. Her eyes widened until I thought they
might fall out, and her mouth worked, as if trying to speak, but her brain
wouldn’t provide the words.
It would have been funny, if my political career
didn’t hinge on this one moment. This one woman.
“A problem just popped up for me,” I said, “and I
need your help to make it go away. I probably should have asked this first,
but, are you currently seeing anyone?”
That seemed to snap her out of it.
She reeled back until her butt hit the counter behind
her, her eyebrow raising incredulously.
“What?”
“Well, the job would be highly unusual, and I’d
need you to keep things absolutely confidential during the year you work for
me. I also can’t have you seeing anyone, or you won’t be right for this
position.”
“I… What?”
“Rose, I can’t tell you more details until I know
you’re interested. I can’t disclose my problem to just anyone. I need you to
sign a confidentiality agreement before I can tell you about what you’d be
doing if you accept my job offer.”
“But… did you say million?”
“Five million dollars. For one year working for
me. It can all be yours, Rose, along with an unrestricted spending allowance
during that year, lodging, health care—the whole enchilada. I will take excellent
care of you.”
I moved closer, and she didn’t flinch away. I put
my hands on her shoulders. This close, I could smell the soft scent of her
shampoo, something fruity and sensual.
“If you take this job, Rose,” I said, “You can do
anything you’d like for the rest of you life with the right financial planning.
You can make feeding these kids a full time job and live off the interest.”
She looked up into my eyes, her breathing shallow,
and I could see her trying to take this all in. What must this be like for her?
A stranger offering her more money than she could ever make in a hundred years
at a high-paying management job.
Life-changing money.
It was funny to think that an amount like this
could simultaneously be so huge and so small, depending on who you are. I spent
five million on a vacation home in Bora Bora smaller than the east wing of my estate
here. I realized now I’ve only been there once.
I’d almost forgotten I owned it.
“What do you say? Are you willing to hear more?”
She opened her mouth, then closed it again, squeezing
her eyes shut like she was harnessing her chi. She finally opened them and
nodded.
“Excellent! I can have the confidentiality
agreement drawn up immediately. Are you available tomorrow evening to meet?”
She nodded again, and a small squeak left her
lips. I smiled and ran my hands over her shoulders.
“Good. Let me have your address, and I’ll send a
car for you at 7:00 p.m. We can discuss business over dinner.”
I handed her my cell phone and she plugged in her
information with trembling hands.
“Thank you,” I said. “I appreciate you hearing me
out.”
I walked toward the back door, when I heard her
release the breath she’d been holding.
“Wait.”
I turned back. She had her hand on her hip again,
her chin held high.
“Why me?”
I grinned and put my hand on the door handle.
“Because you’re perfect.”
Are you guys excited for Book Three in the Beck and Call Series?
I think it's the best one yet, full of intense emotions, suspense, and a romance that will take your breath away! I can't wait until July 1st to share it with you!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Fawkesy Lady Relationship Tip: Are You Both Speaking the Same Language?
People always say that communication is the most important thing in maintaining a healthy, fulfilling relationship, and I totally agree.
But have you ever felt like you're pouring your heart out to your partner, and they're just not getting it?
You tell him or her exactly how you feel, you're honest, and you're clear, but somehow you feel like your partner isn't listening. Is being dense. Isn't picking up what you're putting down.
Well, recently, after spending several months now working from home with my husband (ha!) that there may be another issue at play.
Are you sure you're both speaking the same language?
Yes, Delilah, you say. Duh. We're both literally speaking English. What the hell are you talking about?
Well, I'll tell you.
Recently, my husband and I discovered that because of two factors in our lives, we actually had different levels of meaning for the SAME goddamn words, which caused a lot of unnecessary bickering.
These factors are:
A. Our upbringings
B. The limited nature of the English language
Let me explain further.
I was raised in a very strict, fundamental Christian family (I can hear you all laughing over there, but it's true) who talked about things in very black and white terms when using certain words because of the Biblical connotations of those words.
Here are some of my family's definitions for basic words that come up in a regular marital disagreement:
JUDGEMENT: "When you are JUDGED, you are judged by GOD as in the hammer drops and you are deemed GUILTY of a horrible CRIME."
WRONG: "You are morally wrong and therefore will be JUDGED by GOD."
FIGHTING: "If you're disagreeing loudly, it's not a fight, because fighting means you're hating, and hating is a sin. It's only fighting if you're absolutely out of your mind, screaming mad. Everything else is just a rational discussion about a passionate topic. Don't get your panties in a bunch about those kinds of disagreements."
ANGRY: "If you're irritated, you're not angry. Angry is reserved for righteous, godly anger (like Jesus in the temple), and fighting, out-of-your-mind anger. There is no in between."
My husband, however, was raised by a non-believer and a Buddhist, so his definitions were drastically different to words we both thought were objectively defined.
His family's definition of the same words:
JUDGEMENT: "If I'm judging you, it means I think what you did is weird or kind of messed up, but it's cool. It doesn't change my opinion of you as a person or mean I dislike you because of it."
WRONG: "I think that's wrong. We should totally look this up and see who's right." Alternative definiton: "Haha, that's so wrong!" *laughs*
FIGHTING: "We're disagreeing, therefore we are having a fight. I hate fighting. All disagreements are terrible, and I treat them all equally like we're having a screaming fit even when we're just debating an issue."
ANGRY: "I'm irritated, which is a form of anger. And I'm angry, which is more than irritated. And I'm enraged, which is higher than both, and... I quit."
As you can see, we had vastly different ideas of what the "real" definitions of simple English words meant, which caused confusion and strife.
Yeaaaah. As you can see, two different definitions of the same word = unnecessary problems.
The second factor that makes this happen is this: English Sucks.
Now, before you get all defensive about this, hear me out.
Check out these sweet, sweet phrases and words that other languages have to convey meaning that we DON'T have:
Litost (Czech): "A state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery."
(Whoa. That's... a really specific and deep emotion. Damn, guys.)
Kokoro No Gaze (Japanese): "Literally means 'my soul has a cold,' and means mild blues, or a state of day-to-day slight depression."
(Oh, well, okay. We've all felt that way before, and I'm glad to know it's not that soul-crushing Litost shit from above. You're just down.)
Greng-Jai (Thai): "That uncomfortable feeling you get when you don't want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them."
(Oh, you're offering to go to Starbucks just because I said I wanted some caffeine, Hon? That's really sweet, but... uh... I feel weird.. but you're being nice, so... BLARGH.)
Aswium (Korean): "That mingling dissatisfied, wistful, regretful, frustrated, sad feeling you get when you fail a test by 1 point or had a meal you were really looking forward to and it wasn't as good as you'd hoped."
(Now I have a word for when I try a new expensive wine on my birthday and it's not as good as my cheap-o favorite brand. Wha whaaaaaa.)
By now, I'm sure you've sensed a pattern. These are all simple words or phrases to communicate different shades of "I feel kinda crappy and stuff." In English, we'd have to have a whole discussion to explain the severity of our feelings, and if we use words with our partner like "Depressed," "Bummed," or "Sad," they may think we're Litost when we're really just Aswium.
And all because of our limited language.
So how do we fix this?
How do we make sure our partners know what the heck we mean when we say we're angry or sad or frustrated or fighting? How do we know we're not just having stupid fights over nothing?
(In Yiddish they call such a fight a "Shamozzle.")
Well, here are my suggestions, from one who's been there:
But have you ever felt like you're pouring your heart out to your partner, and they're just not getting it?
You tell him or her exactly how you feel, you're honest, and you're clear, but somehow you feel like your partner isn't listening. Is being dense. Isn't picking up what you're putting down.
Well, recently, after spending several months now working from home with my husband (ha!) that there may be another issue at play.
Are you sure you're both speaking the same language?
Yes, Delilah, you say. Duh. We're both literally speaking English. What the hell are you talking about?
Well, I'll tell you.
Recently, my husband and I discovered that because of two factors in our lives, we actually had different levels of meaning for the SAME goddamn words, which caused a lot of unnecessary bickering.
These factors are:
A. Our upbringings
B. The limited nature of the English language
Let me explain further.
I was raised in a very strict, fundamental Christian family (I can hear you all laughing over there, but it's true) who talked about things in very black and white terms when using certain words because of the Biblical connotations of those words.
Here are some of my family's definitions for basic words that come up in a regular marital disagreement:
JUDGEMENT: "When you are JUDGED, you are judged by GOD as in the hammer drops and you are deemed GUILTY of a horrible CRIME."
WRONG: "You are morally wrong and therefore will be JUDGED by GOD."
FIGHTING: "If you're disagreeing loudly, it's not a fight, because fighting means you're hating, and hating is a sin. It's only fighting if you're absolutely out of your mind, screaming mad. Everything else is just a rational discussion about a passionate topic. Don't get your panties in a bunch about those kinds of disagreements."
ANGRY: "If you're irritated, you're not angry. Angry is reserved for righteous, godly anger (like Jesus in the temple), and fighting, out-of-your-mind anger. There is no in between."
My husband, however, was raised by a non-believer and a Buddhist, so his definitions were drastically different to words we both thought were objectively defined.
His family's definition of the same words:
JUDGEMENT: "If I'm judging you, it means I think what you did is weird or kind of messed up, but it's cool. It doesn't change my opinion of you as a person or mean I dislike you because of it."
WRONG: "I think that's wrong. We should totally look this up and see who's right." Alternative definiton: "Haha, that's so wrong!" *laughs*
FIGHTING: "We're disagreeing, therefore we are having a fight. I hate fighting. All disagreements are terrible, and I treat them all equally like we're having a screaming fit even when we're just debating an issue."
ANGRY: "I'm irritated, which is a form of anger. And I'm angry, which is more than irritated. And I'm enraged, which is higher than both, and... I quit."
As you can see, we had vastly different ideas of what the "real" definitions of simple English words meant, which caused confusion and strife.
| What do you mean you're JUDGING me??! I told you about my weakness for Cheetos to grow closer to you! |
| Well, I am. Wait... stop crying. Oh, God... WHAT'S HAPPENING?! |
The second factor that makes this happen is this: English Sucks.
Now, before you get all defensive about this, hear me out.
Check out these sweet, sweet phrases and words that other languages have to convey meaning that we DON'T have:
Litost (Czech): "A state of torment created by the sudden sight of one's own misery."
(Whoa. That's... a really specific and deep emotion. Damn, guys.)
Kokoro No Gaze (Japanese): "Literally means 'my soul has a cold,' and means mild blues, or a state of day-to-day slight depression."
(Oh, well, okay. We've all felt that way before, and I'm glad to know it's not that soul-crushing Litost shit from above. You're just down.)
Greng-Jai (Thai): "That uncomfortable feeling you get when you don't want someone to do something for you because it would be a pain for them."
(Oh, you're offering to go to Starbucks just because I said I wanted some caffeine, Hon? That's really sweet, but... uh... I feel weird.. but you're being nice, so... BLARGH.)
Aswium (Korean): "That mingling dissatisfied, wistful, regretful, frustrated, sad feeling you get when you fail a test by 1 point or had a meal you were really looking forward to and it wasn't as good as you'd hoped."
(Now I have a word for when I try a new expensive wine on my birthday and it's not as good as my cheap-o favorite brand. Wha whaaaaaa.)
By now, I'm sure you've sensed a pattern. These are all simple words or phrases to communicate different shades of "I feel kinda crappy and stuff." In English, we'd have to have a whole discussion to explain the severity of our feelings, and if we use words with our partner like "Depressed," "Bummed," or "Sad," they may think we're Litost when we're really just Aswium.
And all because of our limited language.
So how do we fix this?
How do we make sure our partners know what the heck we mean when we say we're angry or sad or frustrated or fighting? How do we know we're not just having stupid fights over nothing?
(In Yiddish they call such a fight a "Shamozzle.")
Well, here are my suggestions, from one who's been there:
- If you're always fighting about the same topic, ask one another what level of *weight* they give to the emotion words in that topic. Ex: If your partner is always saying they are annoyed when you leave your socks out, figure out if they're actually annoyed, or if by "annoyed" they mean "disrespected," "neglected," "angry," etc. Drill down to find out if their meaning matches yours.
- Why wait for an argument? Talk about the big ones before you fight:
- What does "frustrated" look like for them? What words do they use to express anger on a scale of 1-10? Dial in what words you use with one another to express how mad, sad, happy you are with things you discuss.
- How do they feel about "fighting" in general? Do they think it's a debate when you think you're brawling? Dial that in, too.
- Once you figure out what words mean what level of weight for both of you, WRITE THEM DOWN.
- Keep that little notebook or list of your words handy, so if you do find yourself butting heads later, whip it out and make sure you use the words you agreed upon so you are both on the same page.
- Practice! Even if you follow the steps above, this kind of aligning of definitions won't happen overnight. Practice together, until your new, improved way of communicating just becomes muscle memory. Don't get discouraged, and encourage one another. Your goal is to reduce friction, which is win/win for everyone!
- Don't knock it till you've tried it. Seriously. I know analyzing stuff like this might make you feel like you have autism or something, but it's a rational solution for an irrational problem. You're not exactly understanding one another better by not talking about it, right? A little awkwardness while you sort it out is endlessly better than 50 years of bitching at one another for no reason.
So, remember, using what we've got (English) is far from objective, and we can talk past one another without even stopping to think about what the underlying problem could be.
Don't get discouraged if you have a brief Shamozzle after you work on this. It's process, but I guarantee it will make your communication better, and your relationship stronger.
After all, what's better than a partner who gets you like no one else does? It's the best feeling in the world, and it's what binds you together as lovers and as team-members, helping one another through life.
What's the word you get tripped up on the most with your partner? Ever had this happen before? Share your war stories in the comments below! :)
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